Amen to every single one of these words. I feel like this has been my souls ache. Before I knew Jesus, human relationships was all I knew, many of them being broken. I had been denied love by my own parents on countless occasions and therefore sought love and security in dating relationships. I went through each of these still feeling alone, unloved, incomplete and searching.
When I accepted Christ at the age of 18 I began the journey of my relationship with my heavenly Father. I was learning for the first time a love that would satisfy. A relationship that made me feel whole and complete. A security that decreased my fear of abandonment. I'm on a journey that teaches me daily that God is with me and will never abandoned me. This is however a journey.
The point of my life I'm in now is a new journey of almost re-learning truths as a woman and dispelling lies from the enemy. Friendship looks different in this stage of my life. Now there is a balance of husband, children, alone time, and daily demands. I'm no longer in an environment where most of the women I'm around have common goals, desires, personalities, and interests. Scrambled is how it feels. Situations and circumstances leave me feeling insecure about myself, unsure, unloved, unworthy, not pretty enough, not funny enough, not worthy of friendship...you get the point.
I know I'm not the only person that leaves a gathering with thoughts like, "Why did she look at me and then look away like she didn't see me?" "Why did they all get together and not invite me?" Why is she so close with her and not me?" " Why did I say that? That was so stupid?" "Why don't I fit in?" "I wonder if she's mad at me? I don't think I did anything?"
Lies, all lies. I know this but when I'm wrapped up in the moment I can get very discouraged and believe them.
Then I read in the word of the Lord and he breathes life in me. He alone can satisfy. He alone is worthy of all my praise. The more I read his word the less I'm concerned about the approval of others and more concerned about the approval of God. The more I read his word and draw my roots deeper into the soil of his love, the more I pray, the more I talk with him, the more I will view myself in his sight.
"I pray that Christ will be more and more at home in your hearts as you trust in him. May your roots go down deep into the soil of God's marvelous love...May you experience the love of Christ, though it is so great you will never fully understand it. Then you will be filled with the fullness of life." Ephesians 3:17, 19-20